Raising Godly Children Part 2

Embracing 'Power With' in Parenting

Proverbs 22:6 reminds us to "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it." This training involves more than instruction; it’s about guiding our children with love and patience, nurturing their spirit to follow God's path.

Navigating the delicate balance between discipline and punishment is a common challenge for parents. Discipline, rooted in love and guidance, aims to instil values and correct behaviour, while punishment often focuses on consequences without nurturing growth. Hebrews 12:11 reminds us of the long-term benefits of discipline, emphasising its role in cultivating righteousness and peace; "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

As parents, we are called to build relationships that foster trust and mutual respect, echoing the classroom principle of "power with" rather than "power over" children. Let's explore how this approach is equally valuable at home.

Empowerment and Cooperation

Using a "power with" approach means working alongside your children rather than dictating from above. This fosters a sense of empowerment and cooperation. When children feel they are part of the decision-making process, they are more likely to take ownership of their actions and behave responsibly. For instance, rather than commanding a child to clean their room, you might say, "Let's work together to tidy up your room. What part would you like to start with?" This collaborative effort encourages children to participate willingly and develop problem-solving skills. If your child refuses to clean up their toys, rather than saying, "Why are you always so messy?" you could say, "I know you enjoy playing with your toys. Let’s put them away together so we can find them easily next time." This positive approach maintains their dignity and fosters cooperation.

When giving guidance, be mindful of your tone and body language. This is important because children are highly perceptive and can pick up on non-verbal cues. A gentle tone and positive body language convey support and understanding, fostering a sense of safety and trust. Conversely, a harsh tone or negative body language can make children feel criticised and defensive, damaging their self-esteem and hindering open communication. By being conscious of how we communicate, we create an environment where children feel respected and more willing to listen and cooperate.

Building Trust and Respect

"Power with" promotes trust and respect by valuing the child's opinions and feelings. Ephesians 6:4 advises, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." By engaging children in dialogue and considering their perspectives, parents show respect for their individuality. This, in turn, builds mutual respect. Children who feel heard and understood are more likely to listen and respond positively to guidance.

Enhancing Emotional Intelligence

When parents use "power with," they help children develop emotional intelligence. This involves recognising and managing their emotions and understanding the emotions of others. For example, if a child is upset about a rule, instead of enforcing it harshly, discuss the reasons behind the rule and explore their feelings. This approach, rooted in empathy, helps children learn to articulate their emotions and develop empathy for others.

Reducing Conflict and Resentment

"Power over" can lead to resistance and resentment, as children may feel controlled and undervalued. In contrast, "power with" reduces conflict by promoting a team mentality. James 1:19 advises, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." By approaching parenting with a calm, listening ear and a willingness to engage in meaningful conversations, conflicts can be resolved more amicably. This not only strengthens the parent-child relationship but also models healthy conflict resolution for children.

Encouraging Responsibility and Independence

Children raised with a "power with" approach are more likely to develop a strong sense of responsibility and independence. They learn that their choices have consequences and that they have the power to influence outcomes. For example, instead of punishing a child for not doing their homework, discuss the potential consequences and involve them in finding a solution. This teaches accountability and encourages them to take initiative. See below for the use of Star Charts to encourage children to do their homework.

Biblical Foundation for 'Power With'

The Bible encourages us to lead with love and understanding. Colossians 3:21 says, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." By practising "power with," we follow this teaching, nurturing our children in an environment of love, respect, and encouragement.

Practical Strategies for 'Power With' Parenting

1. Active Listening: Pay full attention to your child's words and feelings without interrupting. Reflect back what you hear to show understanding. Stay tuned for more on this topic in my next blog.

2. Collaborative Problem Solving: Involve your child in finding solutions to issues. This teaches them critical thinking and negotiation skills.

3. Consistent Boundaries with Flexibility: Set clear expectations but be open to discussing and adjusting rules as needed. This shows that you value their input and can adapt to changing circumstances.

4. Empathy and Compassion: Always approach conflicts with empathy. Try to understand your child's perspective and feelings before responding.

5. Time-Ins: Instead of isolating a child with a time-out, consider a time-in where you sit with them and discuss their feelings and behaviour. This approach can be particularly effective in helping them feel understood and supported.

6. Handling Tantrums with Grace During a tantrum, stay calm and speak softly. Reassure your child that you understand their feelings, but also guide them towards expressing those emotions in a better way. For example, "I see you're upset because we need to leave the park. Let’s take three deep breaths together and talk about it."

7. Positive Reinforcement and Redirection: In today's materialistic society, distinguishing between love and indulgence can be challenging. Genuine love from parents involves giving without spoiling, holding back for the child's benefit, and encouraging positive behaviour through appropriate rewards. Reflecting the characteristics outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, love is patient, kind, and not self-seeking. It encompasses communication, empathy, laughter, resilience through challenges, respect, and unconditional encouragement for our children.

This can be achieved with a focus on reinforcing desired behaviours through praise and encouragement. For example, acknowledge their effort in completing a task rather than just the outcome. If your child shares their toy, acknowledge this by saying, "I love how you shared your toy with your friend. That was very kind."

Star charts can be a highly effective way to encourage and reward good behaviour in children. They provide a visual representation of their progress and achievements, motivating them to continue their positive actions. I used star charts to reinforce positive behaviour with my own children by setting specific goals and areas to work on together, such as using kind language. Each child had tailored goals and a time limit, typically a month, to achieve a reward they chose. They placed a star on the chart for each positive action. This method provided clear goals and immediate visual feedback, motivating them and making them feel valued and empowered. Generally, I would encourage them to choose a reward that did not cost any money, such as:

· Extra playtime at the park

· A special outing to a favourite place

· A movie night with family

· An extra bedtime story

· Choosing a family game to play

· A picnic in the backyard

· A sleepover in the living room

These rewards not only kept the focus on positive behaviour but also encouraged family bonding and creativity.

Examples of Star Charts to Reward Good Behaviour in Children

1. Kind Language Chart

Goal: Encourage children to use kind and respectful language when speaking to others.

· Age Group: 4-10 years

· Duration: 1 month

· Reward: Child chooses a reward (see below for ideas).

*Children place a star each day they use kind language.*

2. Chore Completion Chart

Goal: Motivate children to complete their daily chores consistently.

· Age Group: 5-12 years

· Duration: 2 weeks

· Reward: Extra screen time or family movie night

*Children place a star each day they do their daily chores.*

3. Homework Completion Chart

Goal: Ensure children complete their homework on time and with quality effort.

· Age Group: 7-14 years

· Duration: 1 month

· Reward: A day out with friends or a special book.

*Stars are given each day homework is completed on time.*

4. Morning Routine Chart

Goal: Help children develop a consistent and efficient morning routine.

· Age Group: 3-8 years

· Duration: 2 weeks

· Reward: A playdate with friends or a new colouring book.

*Stars are given for each task completed every morning.*

5. Reading Time Chart

Goal: Encourage regular reading habits.

· Age Group: 6-12 years

· Duration: 1 month

· Reward: A new book or a visit to a favourite place.

*Stars are given each day for completing a set amount of reading time.*

How Star Charts Work

Set Clear Goals: Identify specific behaviours or tasks to work on with your child.

Determine Duration and Rewards: Set a realistic time frame and agree on achievable rewards.

Track Progress: Create a chart and place it where your child can easily see it. Add stars or stickers daily to track progress.

Celebrate Achievements: Once the goal is reached, celebrate with the predetermined reward to reinforce the positive behaviour.

Using star charts can be an effective, visual way to motivate children and help them develop good habits. By involving them in the process and celebrating their successes, you can foster a sense of accomplishment and responsibility.

Strategies for Dealing with Sibling Conflicts

Sibling conflicts are a natural part of family life, but they can be challenging to manage. Encourage siblings to resolve conflicts by talking about their feelings and finding solutions together. Remind them of the importance of loving one another, as Jesus taught in John 13:34, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another." Here are some strategies tailored to different age groups to help parents navigate and resolve sibling conflicts effectively:

For Pre-schoolers (Ages 2-5):

1. Teach Turn-Taking: Encourage sharing and taking turns with toys or activities to promote cooperation and reduce conflict.

2. Model Conflict Resolution: Demonstrate how to use words to express feelings and negotiate with siblings. Encourage them to use phrases like "I feel upset when..." or "Can I have a turn, please?"

3. Offer Choices: Provide options for resolving conflicts, such as taking turns or finding a compromise. This empowers them to be part of the solution.

4. Use Distraction: Redirect their attention to a different activity or toy when conflicts arise, helping them move past the disagreement.

For School-Aged Children (Ages 6-12):

1. Set Clear Expectations: Establish family rules for respectful communication and conflict resolution. Make sure all children understand the consequences of aggressive behaviour.

2. Encourage Problem-Solving: Teach them to brainstorm solutions together and choose the best option. This fosters critical thinking and cooperation.

3. Promote Empathy: Help children understand each other's perspectives by encouraging active listening and empathy. This can reduce hostility and build stronger sibling bonds.

4. Implement Time-Outs: When conflicts escalate, give children a chance to cool off in separate spaces before discussing the issue calmly.

For Teenagers (Ages 13-18):

1. Foster Independence: Encourage teenagers to resolve conflicts autonomously by providing guidance rather than direct intervention. This empowers them to develop conflict resolution skills independently.

2. Facilitate Family Meetings: Hold regular family meetings to discuss issues openly and collaboratively. Give each teenager a chance to voice their concerns and propose solutions.

3. Encourage Compromise: Teach teenagers the importance of compromise and negotiation in resolving conflicts. Encourage them to seek win-win solutions that consider everyone's needs.

4. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If sibling conflicts persist or escalate to a concerning level, consider seeking support from a family therapist or counsellor. They can provide guidance and mediation to help resolve underlying issues.

Adopting a "power with" approach in parenting aligns with our call to raise godly children. It builds trust, respect, and cooperation, reducing conflict and fostering a loving, supportive environment. By guiding our children with empathy and understanding, we reflect God's love and grace, nurturing their growth into responsible, compassionate individuals. Remember, every small step taken with love and patience brings us closer to raising children who walk in faith and righteousness.

Until next time, stay blessed, stay sane, and stay beautiful!

With love and laughter,

V.A.